1. When you couldn’t give two damns:
Also, leave me alone forever.
2. When people tried to play with your emotions:
3. When all the Exciting Weekend Things were over and Monday rolled back around:
4. Every time you ever had to deal with people:
“And put one of those fingers on each hand up.” — priceless advice from one Marshall Mathers III.
5. When technology got a little too crazy:
At least those weird sit-up things will give you abs.
6. When it was only 10 a.m. and the day was already terrible:
Step 1: bang head against wall.
Step 2: see Step 1.
7. When the only thing you want in the entire world is a snack and you can’t find one:
FUCK YOU, MAGIC CONCH. GIVE ME SOME FRITOS.
8. When you wake up to a text/call from someone you reeeeally don’t want to deal with:
Were you not listening when I said, “Wake me up when I care?”
9. When you are asked any question by any person in any circumstance:
Unless it’s, “Do you want to eat this?”
10. When yet another friend gets engaged or married:
Time to go adopt some cats, I guess.
11. When the youths start up again:
Planking? Cinnamon Challenge? Twerking? WTF.
12. When you just can’t deal with it anymore:
“Don’t kill, only maim or seriously injure.” — Dobby on a bad day.
13. When seemingly nothing is going right in the world:
Time to Rip-van-Winkle this shit.
14. When you get a phone call (and actually answer it, even though it’s probably either a sales’ call or a distant relative)”
Maybe the person on the other line will want to read your screenplay/listen to your demo/buy your Play-Doh recreation of the Pietà.
15. When you get your paycheck for the month:
Rollin’ in it.